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April 10th, 2006

01:18 am: no fucking surprise here
Your results:
You are Derrial Book (Shepherd)
Derrial Book (Shepherd)
95%
Kaylee Frye (Ship Mechanic)
60%
Jayne Cobb (Mercenary)
60%
Malcolm Reynolds (Captain)
55%
Dr. Simon Tam (Ship Medic)
55%
River (Stowaway)
55%
Zoe Washburne (Second-in-command)
50%
Wash (Ship Pilot)
50%
Inara Serra (Companion)
40%
Alliance
40%
A Reaver (Cannibal)
30%
Even though you are holy
you have a mysterious past.
You aren't married.
Have you taken a vow of celibacy?


Click here to take the "Which Serenity character am I?" quiz...



Current Mood: devious

March 17th, 2006

06:13 pm: Update time!!!
Well I guess it is time for another update.

Beast of Burden

Yep that is what I am. I work my ass off and I feel worse for wear afterwards. But things look good for my promotion. This sets me up for being able to move to another store if I choose. I am considering leaving best buy but i have much more possibilities for upward movement. I don't want to be wealthy or well off. I want to be comfortable. I can do that with best buy in a little less then a year. hear is hoping.

Hearts! It's not just a card game

Well for those of you who catch me online and chat or hang out with me or whatever. You all know that Jill and I have separated. This time I believe it is for good. If God chooses her and I to be together again, He better show up and convince me first. It has been very hard on me for the last year. I believe that we could keep things going and be together but I do not think Jill was willing to put in the same amount of effort as I was. This is mere observation and opinion. I do not know what she was thinking. I honestly wish she was more straight with me and honest. I don't know why she did what she did and why she was so inconsistent in our relationship in the last year. I love her and I hope everything works out for her. For now, I am going to live the single life, maybe go out on dates or something. My heart is too raw at this point. I don't want to risk even more damange to it.

On the road...again?

I have been contemplating moving back to western pa. I am not a big fan of New York. I have made quite a few friends and such and I am close to my parents...yeah living right below them ;) but I have enjoyed more of my life there in West PA. If I get my promotion, then I am going to work towards transferring to a Best Buy store in west pa. Most of my closer friends are down there. Maybe it is a reset that I need in my life or just a return to when I was more stable and closer to content. I don't know if this will happen soon or not at all. It is just something on my mind that I figured I would let everyone know about.

In other news...

I have been working on a novel for a little less then year and am hoping to turn it into a comic/graphic novel. Image Comics likes the core of the story and might consider publishing it if I choose to take it to a more graphic format. I am currently looking to a few people to do the illustration of it, but I have yet to find a person whose style is what I want for it.

Seeking pursuits of the imagination with little stacks of paper and multi-side objects

I am have running a d20 Faerun game and things have been going well. On Mar 10-12, I when to COSCon and enjoy the LARP to its fullest extent. I am now a narrarator which means I ahve some responsibility in running the game but I can still play my character. The event was fantastic, even with all the screwiness of the second evening. The STs did a great job and I appreciate their hard work.

In closing...
I tend to sit on my ass in my room and think a lot. Thankfullyl I am not as self-destructive as I was in high school or nearly as prone to depression as I was in high school or college. I find that just rolling t hings over in my head helps me justify things and works thing out logically and so I do not suffer as much. But overall I am in an odd state of solace. I hope it blooms into contentment, but only God knows that right now...and maybe, just maybe, He will clue me in soon enough.

Until then folks I will catch you later

Current Mood: pensive

March 15th, 2006

06:35 pm: irony has a nice ring to it
<td align="center"> Noxlupi --
[noun]:

A hermit living in the big city

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com</td>


March 1st, 2006

01:50 am: How is this not a F&^%ing surprise
You Are 80% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care.
Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.


Current Mood: crazy
Current Music: 40oz of Freedom by Sublime

February 25th, 2006

12:05 am: Tempests and Chaos
Hello everyone,

Figured I would give an update on life in general.

First off Occupational Enigmas
I work for Best Buy/Geek Squad. I have been working there since July '04. I have enjoyed working there. I have moved up in the ranks relatively quickly. I became the senior of the PC sales area. I took that on for almost six month then moved to Geek Squad as the senior. about four months into the tenure, Best Buy put out a mandate that all Geek Squad seniors were to be removed from position if they were not A+ certified. So once again I found myself as senior of the PC sales area. But rumor has that there are going to be restructuring the way leadership is, so I may be recieving a promotion.

Onto Escursions into Habitation
Well I am still living in my parents' basement. It is comfortable and I am pretty well adjusted to it. I do yearn for more privacy, but considering my parents are both ordained ministers...I don't really see that comign anytime soon. I love them both and they support me quite a bit, but I am very much the black sheep of the family. So we don't see quite eye to eye on things. They have yet to learn that I am bisexual. This is mainly because my mother is a complete homophobe/homo-hater. And I have no doubt that she will have a true to life heart attack...and I really don't feel like killing my mother by "coming out." But overall, home life is content.

Next we visit the Expulsion of the Imagination
I have been working on a novel/graphic novel for several months now. I am doing quite well at flushing out the first 12 chapters. I have spoken to a few publishers and so Image Comics has shown the most interest. They currently are reviewing my first three chapters. So far I have gotten no response but I am eager to hear their opinions. If things work out it will be published as a monthly comic with of course annual trade paperbacks. If the comic kicks off right, then the novel will be published as a Graphic novel. So hope thigns work out well.

Finally, we come to the Fickle Creature of Love. Jill and I are trying to be boyfriend and girlfriend again, but the distance is sitll a little rough on us. I love her with all my heart. I miss her quite a bit and think about her a lot. But thanks to our busy schedules, visiting is not very easy. But I try to keep her content and happy and her happiness means a lot to me. She is going through a lot right now, and she knows that I am here for her no matter what. Pleaes pray for her.

Anyway, overall life is chaotic but such are things. So I must flow with the streams of the lifethreads...the many paths of fate. Lux mea Deus.

Current Mood: weird

December 30th, 2005

03:08 am: duh
ENFJ- The Teacher
You scored 81% I to E, 36% N to S, 33% F to T, and 31% J to P!

Your type is known as the teacher, or the educating mentor. You also
belong to the larger group, called idealists. You tend to bring out the
best in other people. You lead without seeming to do so. People are
naturally drawn to you. You expect the very best from people which
takes the form of enthusiastic encouragement which is so charming that
people try their best not to disappoint you. You share your personality
type with 3% of the population.

You need to feel a deep and meaningful connection to your romantic
partners, and go to great lengths to understand and please your mate.
Harmony is vitally important to you, and you often put others' needs
before your own. You have a pretty thin skin and are easily hurt.
Although you strive for harmony, when your values or ethics are
violated, you can be very emotional, confrontational, and even
punishing. However, you are very insightful about the underlying cause
of conflicts, and an excellent communicator, so you have the tools to
bring about a quick and peaceful resolution as long as you can keep
control of your facilities. You want to be appreciated for your
thoughtfulness and compassion. You need your partner to make a real
effort to get to know you. Above all, you need to be able to express
your feelings and have them taken seriously.

Your group summary: idealists (NF)

Your type summary: ENFJ






My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 89% on I to E
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 43% on N to S
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 27% on F to T
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 17% on J to P
Link: The LONG Scientific Personality Test written by unpretentious2 on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test


November 21st, 2005

08:16 pm: Movie Super Whore right here!!!
Put an x next to the movies you've seen. If you have more thenm 70, you are a movie whore!

1(x)Pirates of the Caribbean
2( )The Mexican
3(x)Fight Club
4(x)Starsky and Hutch
5(x)Neverending Story
6(x)Blazing Saddles
7( )Garden State
8(X)The Princess Bride
9(x)Young Frankenstein
10( )AnchorMan
11( )Napoleon Dynamite
12(x)Saw
13( )White Noise
14(x)White Oleander
15(x)Anger Management

total here: 10

1(x)50 First Dates
2(X )Jason X
3(x)Scream
4(x)Scream 2
5(x)Scream 3
6(x)Scary Movie
7(x)Scary Movie 2
8(x)Scary Movie 3
9(x)American Pie
10(x)American Pie 2
11(X)American Wedding
12(X)Harry Potter
13(X)Harry Potter 2
14(X)Harry Potter 3
15(x)Resident Evil
16(x)Resident Evil 2
17(x)The Wedding Singer
18( )Little Black Book

total here : 17

1(x) The Village
2(x)Donnie Darko
3(x)Lilo & Stitch
4(x)Finding Nemo
5( )Finding Neverland
6(x)13 Ghosts
7(x)Signs
8(x)The Grinch
9(x)Texas Chainsaw Massacre
10(x)White Chicks
11(x)Butterfly Effect
12( )Suddenly 30
13(x)I, Robot
14(x)Dodgeball
15(X)Universal Soldier
16( )A Series Of Unfortunate Events
17(x)Along Came A Spider
18(x)Deep Impact

total here: 15

1(x)KingPin
2(x)Never Been Kissed
3(x)Meet The Parents
4(x)Meet the Fockers
5(x)Eight Crazy Nights
6(x)A Cinderella Story
7(X)The Terminal
8( )The Lizzie McGuire Movie
9( )Passport to Paris
10(x)Dumb & Dumber
11( )Dumb & Dumberer
12(x)Final Destination
13(x)Final Destination 2
14(x)Halloween
15(x)The Ring
16( )The Ring 2
17( )Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle
18(x)Practical Magic
19(x)Chicago
20(x)Ghost Ship
21(x)From Hell
22(x)Hellboy
23( )Secret Window
24(x)I Am Sam
25(x)The Whole Nine Yards
26(x)The Whole Ten Yards
27(x)The Day After Tomorrow
28(x)Child's Play
29(x)Bride of Chucky
30(x)Ten Things I Hate About You
31(x)Just Married
32( )Gothika
33(x)Nightmare on Elm Street
34(x)Sixteen Candles
35(x)Bad Boys
36(x)Bad Boys 2
37(x)Joy Ride
38(x)Seven
39(x)Ocean's Eleven
40( )Ocean's Twelve
41(x)Identity

total here: 33

1(X)Lone Star
2(x)Predator I
3(x)Predator II
4(x)Independence day
5(x)Cujo
6( )A Bronx Tale
7(x)Darkness Falls
8( )Christine
9(x)ET
10(x)Children of the Corn
11(X)My Boss' Daughter
12(X)Maid in Manhattan
13(X)Frailty
14(x)How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
15(x)She's All That
16( )Calendar Girls
17(X)Sideways
18(x)Mars Attacks

total here : 15

1(x)Event Horizon
2(x)Ever After
3(x)Forrest Gump
4( )The Others
5( )Freaky Friday
6(x)Reign of Fire
7(x)The Hot Chick
8(X)Swimfan
9(X)Miracle
10(x)Old School
11(X)Ray
12( )The Notebook
13(x)K-Pax

total here :10

1(x)Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
2(x)Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
3(x)Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
4(X)A Walk to Remember
5( )Boogeyman
6( )Hitch
7(x)The Fifth Element
8(x)Star Wars episode I The Phantom Menace
9(x)Star Wars episode II Attack of The Clones
10(x)Star Wars episode III Revenge of The Sith
11(x)Star Wars episode IV A New Hope
12(x)Star Wars episode V The Empire Strikes Back
13(x)Star Wars episode VI Return of the Jedi
14(X)Troop Beverly Hills
15(X)Swimming with Sharks
16(x)Air Force One
17(x)For Richer or Poorer
18(X)People Under the Stairs
19(X)Blue Velvet
20(x)Sound of Music
21(x)Parent Trap
22(X)The Burbs
23(x)The Terminator
24(x)Empire Records
25(x)Meet Joe Black
26(x)Clockwork Orange
27(x)The Order
28(x)Spiderman
29(x)Spiderman 2
30( )Amelie
31(X)Scotland, PA
32(X)The Graduate

total here: 29

1( )Mean Girls
2(x)Shrek
3(x)Shrek 2
4(x)The Incredibles
5(x)Collateral
6(x)The Fast & The Furious
7(X)2 Fast 2 Furious
8( )Sky Captain Of The World Of Tomorrow
9(X)Closer

total here: 7

1(x)Titanic
2( )Saved
3(x)Bowling For Columbine
4(X)Farenheit 9/11
5(x)The Sixth Sense
6(X)Artificial intelligence
7( )Love, Actually
8( )Shutter
9( )Ella Enchanted
10(X)Princess Diaries 1
11( )Princess Diaries 2
12(x)Constantine
13( )Million Dollar Baby
14(x)Envy
15(x)Eurotrip
16(x)Malibu's Most Wanted
17(x)Big Daddy
18(x)Black sheep
19(x)The Breakfast Club
20(x)West side story

total here : 15

1(x)A Christmas Story
2(X)Spanglish
3(x)Pulp Fiction
4( )Sleepover
5(x)The Evil Dead
6(X)Killer Klowns From Outer Space
7(x)The Seed of chucky
8(x)Vanilla Sky
9(x)Nightmare Before Christmas
10(x)Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
11(x)Interview With The Vampire
12(x)The Crow
13(x)Purple Rain
14(x)Wayne's World

total here: 13

1(x)Wayne's World 2
2( )21 Grams
3(x)Blow
4(x)Edward Scissorhands
5(X)Clerks
6(x)Beauty and the Beast
7( )Guess Who
8( )Monster in-Law
9(x)Elf
10(x)Stuart Little
11( )Stuart Little 2
12(X)Chasing Amy
13(x)Dogma
14(x)Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back

total here : 10

1(x)Beetlejuice
2(x)Last Samurai
3(x)The Amityville Horror
4( )The Aviator
5(x)Romeo and Juliet
6(X)Barbershop
7( )Barbershop 2
8( )Beauty Shop
9(x)Legally Blonde
10(x)Legally Blonde 2
11( )The Forgotten
12( )Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen
13(x)The Grudge

total here: 8

TOTAL: 182

Current Mood: amused

November 11th, 2005

12:57 am: Geekdom at it finest
Rebuilt my PC with my buddy shawn. I love how it turned out.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

I think it kicks ass!

October 30th, 2005

11:12 pm: could have seen that coming
knight
KNIGHT

You are the Knight, the
legendary, romantic hero of great kingdoms. The
Knight is a true warrior and an epic hero. He
will do anything to defend his honor and his
kingdom. Whatever his lord or king commands he
will do without hesitation. He is very
virtuous; he holds honesty, loyalty, and
bravery in very high regard.

Color:
Purple
Animal: Lion
Gem: Ruby
Symbol:
Shield

Image:
http://www.deviantart.com/view/7339749/


Who would you be if you were a character in an epic fantasy? (beautiful pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

October 7th, 2005

02:06 am: I am such a dork

Great Gamer

GM says drop 2d10, aanndd... you roll 66% !

Not too bad- not too bad at all. You're not exactly a first generation
gamer, and you probably have other hobbies besides rolling dice and
slaughtering orcs, but you've managed to collect enough knowledge to
impress even the most experienced gamer.
Pull out a few more nights for gaming and spend some more time with the
obscure books, soon you're well on your way to becomming the Ultimate
Gamer.












My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 33% on dice




Link: The Real Gamers use Dice Test written by luminasita on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test


October 6th, 2005

09:25 pm: Just because everyone else is doing it

Smart Paladin

55% Combativeness, 36% Sneakiness, 76% Intellect, 72% Spirituality

Valorous! Noble! Or possibly just a self-righteous jerk (but with the
brains to keep you alive!)... You are a Smart Paladin!

Paladins are holy warriors. They are valorous defenders of the
light. Unfortunately, most of them are so ardent in their defense they
tend to meet sticky ends faster than you can say "rampaging red
dragon." Many people look up to Paladins, while others just consider
them stuck up, overbearing, or self-righteous.

Fortunately for you, unlike most Paladins, you're pretty smart.
Which means that you're more likely to fall into the "admired"
category, rather than the "obnoxious" or "dead" categories.

Much like the crusades, you manage to combine violence and
religion, though unlike the crusades, you add a healthy does of
intelligence. You may be a staunch defender of the faith, a valorous
champion of the weak, or the stuff that jihads are made of. Which ever
one you are, just be happy that you�ve got the smarts to back it up and
make it work.












My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 47% on Combativeness
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 46% on Sneakiness
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 62% on Intellect
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 94% on Spirituality




Link: The RPG Class Test written by MFlowers on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test


September 18th, 2005

12:47 am: down or out
Well I don't know what really to say. I am feeling quite down tonight. I just feel that things aren't right...but I don't know why. I miss my friends and can't wait to see them but then I am going to have to go back home. People I care about don't talk to me as much and my life just seems like I work, game, and sleep. *shrugs* who knows! tomorrow is another day. I miss the calls from my friends. But then again...they have their own lives to live. BWAKITAH!!! Live long and the force be with you.

Current Mood: discontent

August 25th, 2005

08:19 pm: more confused then the last time I was drunk
I know I don't post on here a lot. I mostly keep my personal feelings, gripes, and other crap to myself. There are those who I confide in, but I have never really felt comfortable about waxing eloquent about what has been going on in my life on the internet.

I have faced a lot of changes, obstacles, and challenges through my life. Most of the time I can bounce back pretty well. This week hsa been hell...I have had hopes stomped out, my mind turned inside out, and a feeling of rejection stronger then any other time in my life. I feel empty and numb, but I have friends to comfort me. Have I really pushed too hard? Have I not done enough? I know what I want, but because of my feelings, I give to others, leaving behind my wants. I have been the shoulder to lean on for a long time. I have been the ear that listens, and the voice of advice. I have been the many things in my time on this earth. I have portrayed a large diversity of characters. Expressed emotions, mannerisms, and quirks each time. I know who I am, I know what I want. Then why do I feel empty. Why do I feel that I am God's little scherzo, His punching bag, his little experiment in torture. My see-sawing life. Things start to look good. My hopes build. My comfort almost accomplished....then everything is destroyed. THis cycle, like each passing year. the Spring of blooming and prosperity. The summer of love and fertility. The autumn of decay...then the winter of death...and thus renew into the birth of another year....another cycle. Why must God dash my life upon the rocks? I trust Him to guide me. I trust Him to put me on the path of His choosing. I strive and attempt. I never succeed.

I try.

Why try? Every other time, I seem to make the wrong decision no matter what the course. I seem to plan and prepare just to have the whole situation implode. It is truly sad to say I have become accustomed to pain, no matter what type. yet when others hurt around me, I am the pillar. I am the fortress to protect them from the storm of life's strife. When will I feel solace and contentment? Who bloody knows! Maybe I shall once again wait for the winter to pass and pray and hope that I shall once again strive towards joy.

"If love is not enough, then I shall learn to love pain, for that I have in abundance."

August 23rd, 2005

08:39 pm: ~*~Result nr 6~*~


Your power is: Transformation


Explanation: Unlike everyone else you
can change your body materia and transform into
anything (e.g. an animal). This can be used in
good purposes for infiltrating evil
headcuarters or adjust your physical abilities
by transforming and therefor do better in
battle. If turned to the evil side, a
transfomer could manipulate the "good
guys" by looking like their loved ones and
break them down.
As a person you are dissapointed with life. You
have not so many interests anymore and has
become depressed. Of course you can be happy,
but your happiness subsides quickly and don't
last very long. You isloate yourself from
people since you think they would only hurt
you, but some part just wants someone equal who
understands the pain. When you transform it
gives you freedom and you can be anything but
yourself. You often pity yourself but don't let
people come near and know what's going on with
you. But the thought of opening up and risking
being betrayed is too strong and intimidating
to even try.
Negative aspects: You carry much hate to
the world and yourself and in the long run this
could lead to dangerous thoughts
(suicide/cutting/killing) though the last one
is least likeable since you would probably just
have too much guilt.




What Power is Compatible With You? [beautiful anime pictures + 12 detailed results]
brought to you by Quizilla

December 9th, 2004

11:06 pm: is this right or wrong?

Your LJ Harem
LJ Username
Punishment Tool of Choice
You restrain your slaves by
Prefered form of service
Secondary favorite service
Number of slaves in Harem 501
Bodyguard who makes sure nobody touches your slaves resistingfury
Favorite slave who is in charge of the others tiradora
Bratty slave who needs constant dicipline tiradora
Is not in your harem but secretly wants to be fenrirahroun
Devotion and obedience level of your harem - 98%
This QuickKwiz by radmanofvnb - Taken 3039 Times.
</a>
New - Help with love and dating!



December 7th, 2004

01:39 am: ooo yellow
Yellow Vibes
Your Energy is Yellow. You are generous, bright,
and expressive. An excellent communicator, you
keep your audience captivated with your
animated storytelling. Sometimes you talk too
much, but when you learn to listen you will be
sought out for your talents to advise.

The communications field appeals to you as a
profession. Public speaking, writing, radio,
acting or teaching would also be good career
choices.


What color is your energy?
brought to you by Quizilla

December 2nd, 2004

10:51 pm: Thanks Josh this was a good laugh
Hey Liza, this is just so frigging funny



Your Livejournal Blind Date
LJ Username
Gender
Favorite Color
What you are wearing
Oh look! Your blind date is tiradora
Your date is wearing a French maid costume and a ball gag
You dine at your favorite dive
Then you spend the next three hours pillaging small villages
Before taking you home, your date gives you a diamond engagement ring
This makes you feel confused
This fun quiz by sarcasticka - Taken 45790 Times.
</a>
New - Kwiz.Biz Astrology and Horoscopes



November 24th, 2004

12:38 am: if your friends do it...might as join the crowd...damnit and I am non-conformist
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
Matt, Nox, aRJay

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
CrazyRJ, Matt aRJay, Noxlupi

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
My imagination, my sense of humour, um...my sense of humour?

THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
my procrastination, lack of confidence, my lack of money

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
Irish, Irish, and oh yeah, a pinch more irish

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
That monster under my bed

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
Game Books, online chat with friends, and masturbation (just kidding)

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
umm...wait give me a minute.........



boxers, t-shirt, and comfy pants ;)

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS AT THE MOMENT:
Drain STH, Jimmy Eat World, Atreyu

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITES SONGS AT THE MOMENT:
Alive - Drain STH
Jimmy Eat World - Pain
King Nothing - Metallica

THREE THINGS YOU WOULD WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
Passion, Love, and a freak in bed ;)

THREE THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
Smile, Eyes, Mischevious nature

THREE THINGS YOU CAN'T DO:
Anything heavily physical due to my dumbass knees, see my girl anytime I want, work less than 65 hours a week

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
Gaming, sound editing, drawing

THREE THINGS YOU WANT REALLY BAD RIGHT NOW:
Money, a car, and my girl nekkid in my bed

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
Teacher, Audio/Video Production, Radio DJ

THREE PLACES YOU WOULD GO ON VACATION:
Ireland, California (fuck if I know why), and Australia

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
Have a kid with my loving wife, get out of debt, get one of my stories published

October 22nd, 2004

02:40 am: sometimes I hate my mind
Every now and then I start thinking and I can't stop. Something starts the wheels and gears of my conciousness to start spinning and grinding and working...and it won't fucking stop. I hate that. Tonight is no different I have so many things to think about now.

1) I have been thinking about this a while...maybe close to the longest thing that has been on my mind. How I managed to get my ass stuck in my parents' basement working two retail jobs stuck in this financial mess. For those who know me...know I have been thinking about this since around the year 2000.
2) Where is my fucking life going...I have no clue at this point. I know where I want it to go...I just don't know where that is at this moment.
3) How I can change the above.
4) When is God going help me get out of the situation I am in. What does He want me to do? How is He going to use me?
5) This next one is a difficult one for me and requires some back history and a little explanation. Alright, when I was young and stupid I got myself engaged to a smart and attractive young lady. I had completely fallen for her. I thought I had found the one. I asked her to be my wife. Then...after a few months, things started going really bad. We eventually broke up. I haven't seen her since. I have heard she is doing very well though. Well, I seriously have been considering asking Jill to be my wife. I love her with every ounce of my existence and continuously thank God that He brought her into my life. I am just scared at this point...will history repeat itself or will this finally be the next step in my life. The joy that I have longed for...for so long. I know how I want to ask her...but right now...I don't have the means to pull it off at this moment. I want to make her happy...beyond everything. I just don't want to end up getting her hurt or hurting her myself. That is the last thing I wanna do.
6) I continuously try to get a better job. I send out cover letters and resumes. I talk to people. Yet, I am either over qualified. Don't have enough experience. Don't have the right experience. Not enough profession experience. Don't hear back. Get rejection letters. It seems like the professional world doesn't want me. Like I am going to be stuck in retail. What next I lose retail and end up working at fucking burger king or some shite like that. Who fucking knows.
7) There are thingsa bout myself that I have yet to reveal to my parents. Some things that I don't tell them because I fear for their reactions. I know they will still love me...I know they will still care...but will they kick me out of the house...will they come down on me because of how I am...who I am.
8) My parents...not the people I live with and who have done a fine job raising me...no the two people who gave me life. The two young people who inadvertantly conceived me way back in 1977. I would just like to meet them so I can thank them for not aborting me....maybe find out if I have siblings...maybe even see the family resemblance. *Shrugs*

Well anyway...my mind is starting to calm and I am starting to feel a little more relaxed...maybe even be able to get to sleep.

See ya around

Current Mood: contemplative

September 9th, 2004

01:49 am: meesa likes this
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